I was going into the store the other day and I overheard this man loudly saying "if that was my kid I would beat their butt"! He was walking with his child out to their car hand in hand. I realized what he was talking about this child who was hanging onto a cart crying with all her might.
In a past life of mine, before children, I used to think exactly like that man coming out of the store. Well, maybe not exactly, but I had believed that I would have the perfect family. I would do the job WAY BETTER than my parents. I did marry the perfect man for me, but I can't say that anything else worked out in my dreams. All of my kids are special. In their own way. Some have learning issues, some have attitude issues and some have medical issues. Regardless, I have had many discussions (some out and out arguments publically) with people over their perseption of how I should be raising my kids!
I wish I could carry a sign that said "this kid has autism". Or another that said "this kid has head issues requiring surgical intervention and is in pain a lot". Or another that said "I have no clue what's wrong with my kid and beating them isn't going to change them and will just make them cry more, longer and louder"!
Here is an example I had with my youngest child about a year ago. I was in the grocery store and I did not want to carry her (at the time I didn't know she had the medical problems she has that were causing her severe pain). Well, I put her in the basket and she screamed and screamed about being in the cart. She did NOT want to be in the cart, even though it was the little sitting part that was right next to me pushing her. I admit, she was obnoxious and loud. I learned long ago, that it is almost impossible to reason with a 3 year old. So, I decided not to and just "pretend" that nothing was wrong. I was going to "train her" that she isn't going to get a reaction from me or anyone by screaming and fit throwing. I was going to BE AN EXAMPLE. Lead by design.
Didn't work out for me. Before you know it, some opinionated woman said to me "I wouldn't allow my child to act that way". I said "well it is not your child so no need to worry about it". She proceeded to belittle me as a parent and tell me what a horrible person I was because I had no control over a tantrum. My husband was with me (you will learn from my stories over time that he is not a confrontational person). He offered to take her out to the car. Normally, I would have caved in, but I nicely and loudly announced that "if someone had an issue then they could go to their own car"! So, isle by isle I met this nosey woman. She would shake her head and I would tell her to mind her own business. Then she would tempt me again by snotting off a comment and I would tell her to shut her mouth. Finally, we got to the frozen food section. It that grocery store, some of the freezers were the old fashioned ones that are open at the top and come up to your waist. YOu have to bend over and dig in the bottom of them to get things out. So, the only thing separating me and this woman are two freezers. I am yelling at her she is yelling at me and my 3yr old is now quiet watching me "lead by example". Finally, my husband put his foot down and forced us to leave. Looking back at the situation that was probably best, because the last thing I needed was a police record on assult by frozen vegtables!
Also, once I had an issue with my 13 yr old. She threw a fit in a restaurant and refused to leave. I drug her out by the arm, took her home and when I arrived back to finish my meal with my family, the police arrived to question me about child abuse. I think the report from a "concerned citizen" was that I was a drunk woman that was beating up her child. I advised the police there is nothing wrong with drinking Sprite (which I hadn't been able to drink because I wasn't THERE!) and that my little child was approaching 150lbs. Needless to say the police did not apologize but they did leave me alone. I left with my food not eaten and I had to pay for it! I did complain to the corporate headquarters about how if there was a problem the manager should have come to speak with us. So, they sent me certificates but I gave them away because I will NEVER eat at another one of those restaraunt chains again. Mostly, because I wanted a refund and they sent me certificates.
I had a dear friend go furniture shopping one time and she had a child who had recently had surgery and this child was just having a lot of emotional sensory issues that caused her to cry and scream everywhere they went about everything. My friend had some woman at the furniture store treat her terrible because her child was going through this time. Well, as my friend cried over the phone to me about her experience I comforted her as best I could. I told her all the things she should have said back to that woman! I have a more confrontational personality (when provoked). My friend is so sweet and she just isn't that way.
My kids are terrible at some point whereever we go. Sometimes it is their crying and fits and other times it is just that they are free spirits and unaware of the world's perception around them. No you can't crawl across the table to get to mom, and you should talk inside with a soft voice and wearing a swimsuit with boots doesn't mean you are prepared to go out in the cold rainy weather! Yes, lines on a paper. I have a child who is the creator of lines, a child who argues about having to use the lines, a child who only operates with lines and a child who belives lines are merely a suggestion.
As a parent, it is a tough job. I believe most parents do the best they can. A few are bad parents. They just are. However, next time you see a parent struggling with a crying, fit throwing, terrible acting child, remember something. There is a problem there. It is either that the child is hurting or has special needs that are not so obvious, or that the parent is tired and hurting and just trying to move on with life one step at a time. If you are bothered by a loud situation, no one is holding you down, just leave. There is no need to embarrass the parent more than has already happend. If you want to help, don't do it with judgmental words. No. Rather, offer to help. Ask the parent if there is anything they need or you can do to help. Do not attempt to patronize the parent by talking nicely to their child who will not cooperate for them! Do NOT offer the angry child "candy" or ask "what's wrong honey". If you are a "helpful patron" and you feel that it is your duty to offer up some help, have some business cards printed with your name and number on them for the parent to call you to see if there is anything you can do for them at a later time.
I need to lead by example on my advice because I usually just ignore the family and say a silent prayer for them. Perhaps I should tell the parent that I simpathize with them and regardless of every other person who wants them to "beat their child's butt" and the other helpful people who will "call the cops" when they do, I just want them to know that I have been there many times and that fortunately in a hour things will improve. I think I'm going to look up some good things to do for a hurting mom or dad. There is a preacher who once was talking about how you should carry small "gift cards" like to coffee places or the stores you shop in, to give to the parent to just offer a gesture of how God hears every agonizing moment of their hearts. I definatley need to do this because I have found I am never prepared.
I have decided that God has given to me "all" special kids and that somehow I was his Chosen Parent to endure the souls that he has entrusted to me! I may even have cards printed up for the people that I hear that are saying "I would beat that kid's butt" to explain to them that they are so narrow minded they are unable to see the big picture. Oh and to have a great day as well! :)
I don't know what do you guys think? What should we say on our cards to random strangers to nicely point out a perception they did not think of. Or should we just say a prayer for the small-minds of others? I think this is another example of why the world doesn't work!
Sugar to all my five fans! :)
